2000-05-29 - 1920 / current mood: creative

Days since left house--3

I came to Charlottesville in 1992 beause of love.

2(boyfriend) was 21 and I was 24 when we had been together as a couple for almost a year at the University of NH. He just finished his BSN in biochem/premed, me- Animal Science/prevet. That year was filled with love and passion I had never known, and have never known since.

Since 1992 we had love, poverty, laughing, hard work, medical school applications, and for me more school--I went back to school to become an RN. I don't think a lot of couples could have stayed together through all the poverty, and crazy old ladies we had to live with to survive......

In 1996 when I got my RN, 2 went to Kentucky to pursue medical school, his mother was constantly bothering him to move to Kentucky anyway-- for some reason everything would work out there that hadn't in Virginia. I wanted him to get in to medical school, he would be awesome, brilliant, he was on the rescue squad in Charlottesville for awhile, he was kind, he had trouble selling himself in interviews though, it just wasn't in him. I was accepted to the University of Virginia's BSN program, and I had to do it, my sights were on Nursing Anesthesia school. There was nothing for me in Kentucky, 2 hadn't even been accepted anywhere there.

His mother used to call our house- we finally ended up living together the last 2 years(hey, I'm a recovering Catholic). It bothered me because she acted like I didn't exist, it was very subtle, she was too savvy to come right out and say disparaging things about me to 2, she knew that would push her only son away like she did with his first girlfriend. I wanted 2 to tell his mother he loved me, I even asked him to tell her we were thinking about getting engaged. He couldn't do it. He felt standing up to his mother was futile, he hated adversity. I couldn't get past this though, if he really loved me thoroughly---like that first year-- he would tell her. So, it must mean I don't mean enough. I couldn't have that, I rather be alone.

He still is in Kentucky. After I got my BSN in '97 I went to Maine, I hoped to get in to Nursing Anesthesia School there, and I loved New England, and missed family, and friends. You needed critical care experience, but they had me take a pathophys. class in the program(cost $1000 :( ), and told me I was a sure thing for the next class. But when the next year rolled around the head of the program told me he couldn't justify letting me in the program when they were turning away candidates with 5 yrs. critical care experience. I was at a crossroads--stay there? Boston? then UVa offered me a good position on the surgical floor, and here I have been since 5/99---one year.

I talked to 2 via e-mail last night. I wanted him to tell me what he thought of my site. He is at UK in an engineering program---but is computer science based. He replied that he couldn't see my graphics. He pointed out a simple thing I overlooked in my html. I was like WHAT you can't see my graphics......Neither one of us has dated anyone else, and we never had an "official" breakup but it was understood after awhile, esp. when the issue of his mother came up. Last night I e-mailed him that he should come to stay with me because I was nice, cute, and distracted by shiny things(kinda a joke between us). I know I shouldn't have sent it , while I was doing it I was thinking "What the hell are you doing" he replied: "Bella hates me, and I don't have enough shiny things......"

I couldn't help thinking of that first year though...

"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me Scream" She said
"The one that makes me Laugh" She said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"----Just like heaven

Can't go back can we?

Why am I so afraid to move forward?

Still reading---White Oleander---Janet Fitch
The Brothers Karamazov---Dostoevsky

Previous/ Next